Wednesday Blues

Sunset

Today, I woke up early and greeted the sky before the sun displayed its magnificence. I was almost late for the seminar yesterday that I have to force myself to take the taxi for me to get there on time. So today, I woke up extra early and was actually the earliest to arrive there. It was 6:20 a.m. and I was already anxiously waiting for the commute. I mean it’s still early but most of the jeepneys are full. I couldn’t help but laugh with sarcasm. Everyone is too busy. Everyone keeps a pace to themselves. Isn’t overwhelming? Stress doesn’t end when you graduate from school. It doesn’t end unless you end it. I can’t see myself doing the same thing, just like what most of people are doing. And I know that I will be lying to myself if I’d give it another chance. 

I almost lost myself in this work-driven society. I almost let myself drown away with the wrong perception and biased thinking. I’m craving for something more. I crave for creativity, for freedom, for expression, for social service and for empowerment. I crave for the things I cannot find in my present situation. I kept on digging but it sometimes it gets so hard when you don’t give up one thing for something. I can’t be in two places at one time, and I have to choose. There are paths that may lead us to somewhere and will cost us something, but it will be worth it. 

I’ll be taking the first steps.
One step at a time.
And I will be there.



My mind is shouting with words I cannot search. I'm too lost at the moment that I let myself be guided with the breeze that has no direction. I let myself let go of every restraint, every negative thought but they keep on coming back. Haunting me all over again. But I have to start again, get up and play on.

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Taking Another Road

Have you ever experienced losing friends? The kind of situation that they are present in your life, but you just can't feel them. That moment when they are slowly drifting away. It starts with them planning for something, without inviting you. Sometimes, you initiate to invite them but for oh-so-many reasons, they just can't be with you. This is the time when you will start to feel valueless, unwanted and left out. Time will come when you don't know them anymore, as they had changed. And you have changed, as well. Unfortunately, you and your friends grew out in different paths. And that my friend, is actually normal.

Could it be that you just became too sensitive or too serious with life? Or maybe you could just have different interests now. Their jokes are not your jokes anymore. Even though they are the people that you have known for the longest time and x-number-of-years, still things have changed. They were once the people that you text first whenever you want to hangout, but now seems like you don't know what to about with them. 

It's normal to grew out from your friends. It could be that the universe is telling you to be mature, to grow and go out from your safe zone. We really can't force people to stay in your life. If people want to stay, let them. If they want to go, let them. Learn to value what you have and what you will have. You just can't make everyone like you. But whatever happens, don't hate yourself just because they don't like you. Instead, appreciate your individuality. Find your tribe, they could just be out there looking for you too.

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The Last Friday of April (11:11)

It was just a typical morning. I was doing my daily routine which revolved around the laboratory and doing paper works. Just a typical day and I felt empty. Or is it just me, getting so used with living that the days that passes do not entice me anymore. Upon checking my phone, I realized its 11:11. It was serendipity and I told myself, “Today will be amazing, today will be good.” I was excited and was expecting something different to happen today. I went back to my routine and faced my computer. I was dragged by work and focused on my activities. A moment later, one of my officemates approached me and shared something about his confusion. He was torn between borrowing money to buy a new phone or settling down with a more affordable phone having lesser specifications. Should he buy the phone with higher specs and price in expense of having a larger amount of debt? He was thinking about this for three days and was really bothering him. I told him about what I think about it and at the end, he made a choice. We never really talk about anything aside from work or other little things and then here he is. I felt like my opinion was important since he was listening attentively to whatever I say. I was amazed. It felt really nice to help people in little ways.

I realized that maturity means weighing the pros and cons before deciding. Maturity means focusing on your priorities, rather than your wants. We face decisions after decisions in life. The decisions we choose depends on our own experiences and challenges. Since everyone has different battles, it is not surprising when I told you that there is no right or wrong choices. The question you need to answer is, “Are the consequences of my decisions worth it?”

Today might not be one of the best days I ever had, but I learned the value of gratefulness and the importance of looking at the different lenses of the situation. Sure as it may sound that negative thoughts may sometimes be uncontrollable, only if we give the power it. They are just like the weeds that won’t survive without the sun. Controlling our thoughts can be quite a challenge, but if we only master it, we can be the master of our fate, the master of our lives.

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THE SUNDAY CURRENTLY | 07

Life lately was passive. What drives me for most days is Sundays. It's just been months and I'm getting full of it. I want to escape, to go somewhere, to lost my way, to find something unexpected and be radical. Is this the thing they call "rat race"? A never-ending race. A race that you won't find any contentment. It's just a few months but I'm no longer happy. I want to venture something new, something that will drive me to be a better me. I want to do something to improve myself, something that will make my heart pump with passion and excitement. Seems like days are only repeating itself. I'm afraid that I may get trap. I want to be a storyteller, a traveler, a volunteer, a digital nomad, a writer or a photographer. But, I'm not yet doing something that will help me to be one. My practical self chose to be trapped in a work that will build my resume.

The problem is, I want to be everything. I didn't know which one to pursue. I don't know how to start. Could it be that I was blinded with wrong things? I don't know which to pursue. The thing is, when you get older, you have to put extra effort to pursue the things that drives your will. You will be torn between practicality and risking.

We've got a choice after all. I want to have a social impact in small ways, to discover the world, to be inspired and to inspire. One day...

Currently listening: Times like these by Xavier Rudd

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The Sunday Currently | 06

How time flies! I woke up on a Monday morning and the next thing I know it's Sunday! The thing is I cannot differentiate what happened within the week. It seems like the same thing happens and the cycle repeats. I'm almost on my second month there and seems like I had been there for months already.

There are a few things happened lately. I had never been so exposed to the realities of this world ever before. I was overwhelmed to know that some of what I believe in  has to be compromised. It is like you have to be tough if you don't want to compromise. It's hard because I'm idealistic and the morals that I believe in, sometimes doesn't apply to the "rules" of business. Some of my values were compromised because of practical reasons. Maybe that's the reason why I can't thrive in this kind of area since I don't want to work just to earn money. I want a kind of environment that has a greater purpose and to have a good impact to people/world, cheesy as it may sound, but the world needs more people with the same thinking. I want to live my life with a desire, a fire within me. As of now, I will learn the most out of this experience and would try to apply what I have learned for some purposes.

What I look forward for most days is Sunday. Aside from having a time away from the real world, I get to be with my SO. For most Sundays, we tried different restaurants and different food. I'm planning to post them here soon. I feel blessed to have my SO around. It seems like I'm being so loved and special. It's like he is my comfort and safe haven from the world outside. Indeed, he's one of the many reasons why life is beautiful.

I have been writing poems lately and might consider to post some of them here. See you on my next post!

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THE SUNDAY CURRENTLY | VOL 05

I slept and woke up half-hearted knowing that I have to go back to reality again. Whenever I go home, my energy is so low and my being is exhausted. Ever since I started this, I wake up earlier than usual. I wake up tired and still want to sleep. I don't know why but I can't even complete 6 hours of sleep. There's nothing much of a difference in terms of hours spent in this thing called reality, but  I used to still have time before for watching movies, do some watercolor or just do something I love. The scheduling is a lot different though. Mornings are laid back and slow, while evenings are fast-paced and tiresome. I can't be productive at night because I'm weary and I'm doing household chores in the morning. I used to love evening where I can be with my creative self since nights are supposed to be calm, quiet and laid back. These are the side effects of my new reality as of now: lesser time for myself, adjusting, confusion if this is right and missing my old habits. It seems that I am getting consumed by my work day by day. My life recently is mostly centered to my work, which could be the reason why I am having these anxieties. 

Basically, what makes me happy is free time to do the things I want to do. I thought I can compromise a little bit of time by just having a day off, but I was wrong. Because of the stiff scheduling, I can't attend workshops and learn something new. I knew from the start that this will happen, but I gave a try because what if it's just my pessimistic self trying to stop me. I was also thinking that it is not practical to stop, without having any plan B. My friends say to just give it a try and chance, but is it worth it? Is it just my emotions rule over me, is it wrong? I have been in the process of being nowhere to go and I'm scared to do it all again. I have also invested some time, effort and money, should I just give it a try for few months?

I used to have anxieties back in college but it doubled up as of now. It seems like I'm not being myself. I feel unmotivated to go there, but mind you the people there are friendly. The thought of having a daily routine of work and home is distressing me. Could it be that I'm still adjusting and overthinking my situation? It could be, but overthinking or being negative is something I unconsciously do. Indeed, the greatest enemy you'll ever have is yourself. Someone told me, " Don't let yourself be overcome by your thoughts." He also told me that instead of being drown in my negativity, why not think of a solution? But I haven't found a solution yet. Maybe I'll just try to be grateful everyday and remind myself why I am here. As what I said to my last post (The Sunday Currently Vol 04), "I am here to grow, to learn and to get to know myself more". I think I always forget that line.

On the brighter side, I'm blessed to be surrounded with people who are loving and helping me in any sorts. I could be in a worse stage, but I am always inspired with  people who believes in me. What did they saw in me that I didn't saw? Why can they see potential in me while I can't? Those thoughts left me hanging for a moment. I remembered what a friend of mine once told me, "You are a smart, but it seems that you just don't trust yourself."

After all, this is a journey I must take.

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The Sunday Currently | VOL 04

Lots of things happened to me lately: Found someone special, had a job interview, turned down a lot of times, got lost, lost a motivation, was motivated again, looked for a job and landed to a job. It’s crazy to know that lots of things can happen in just a few months. My life had changed drastically. I don’t know if I’m ready, but it’s happening right before my eyes. I am now entering a new stage of my life which is the post-graduate life. I was lost for some months and I don’t know what to do with my life. It’s hard because I was given all the options, still I’m lost. I could not thank those people who were pushing me throughout, those people who tried to motivate me when I couldn’t see any progress in my life. 

As of today, I am working in a private company and blessed with kind office mates. Though most of the time, I am overwhelmed with the work load. I never thought that “real” world takes so much courage, effort and sacrifice. This week, I managed to get through and reflected to these thoughts whenever I am lost with my negativity. I always try to remember why I am here. I am here to grow, to learn and to get to know myself more. I can confidently say that I am more experienced compared to myself when I wrote The Sunday Currently volume 3. I cannot say that it's a huge progress but it is still a progress.

There times I doubt, times that I fear the future. But this is the time I shall be bold and be fearless. Nothing is absolute, but one thing is for sure, everything will unfold in their time.

Listening to: In the Waiting by Kina Grannis

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