Far from Home

It's been cloudy since last week.  We thought it was going to have a snowfall last week, but it was just a hale. The sun is hiding and the weather is quite depressing. It could be that I'm still not used to it. I miss the sun, warmth, and people.

I moved miles away, however, I missed home. I miss everything that reminds me of home.

I was walking home. It was a perfect view: a sunset, a cinematic view of trees, and a mountain at a distance. The cold fills the air as the snow is coming.  Here are some of the pictures I took: 

Then, my dream last night struck me. I was in our home washing the dishes as if I had always been there. In that dream, I was confused as to why was I still at home. I was wondering if I was just dreaming that I moved away? 

Confused as I may be, however, I felt a relief. Relief that I am in my comfort space, somewhere I belong. Sometimes it's hard to move to a place where you do not know anyone. It is challenging because forming a bond with someone takes time, energy, and a lot of similarities. Sometimes, you just don't know how to find your tribe. Like you are trapped in a forest without a map. I am trying to accept the fact that I will not be physically part of the achievements of my loved ones and friends. Seeing them on social media makes me think that the path we have taken is two very different and separate roads.

Nonetheless, I am going to take this path that I have chosen. I knew for a fact that my soul would always long for this experience of being far from home. I knew that I was always meant to partake in a journey that entails uprooting my identity and finding myself in another place. This is a journey of knowing who I am without the comfort of home and of how people identify me. This is a challenging but empowering journey. 

I hope one day, everything will make sense.

Photos taken using Nikon D7000

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Wednesday Blues

Sunset

Today, I woke up early and greeted the sky before the sun displayed its magnificence. I was almost late for the seminar yesterday that I have to force myself to take the taxi for me to get there on time. So today, I woke up extra early and was actually the earliest to arrive there. It was 6:20 a.m. and I was already anxiously waiting for the commute. I mean it’s still early but most of the jeepneys are full. I couldn’t help but laugh with sarcasm. Everyone is too busy. Everyone keeps a pace to themselves. Isn’t overwhelming? Stress doesn’t end when you graduate from school. It doesn’t end unless you end it. I can’t see myself doing the same thing, just like what most of people are doing. And I know that I will be lying to myself if I’d give it another chance. 

I almost lost myself in this work-driven society. I almost let myself drown away with the wrong perception and biased thinking. I’m craving for something more. I crave for creativity, for freedom, for expression, for social service and for empowerment. I crave for the things I cannot find in my present situation. I kept on digging but it sometimes it gets so hard when you don’t give up one thing for something. I can’t be in two places at one time, and I have to choose. There are paths that may lead us to somewhere and will cost us something, but it will be worth it. 

I’ll be taking the first steps.
One step at a time.
And I will be there.



My mind is shouting with words I cannot search. I'm too lost at the moment that I let myself be guided with the breeze that has no direction. I let myself let go of every restraint, every negative thought but they keep on coming back. Haunting me all over again. But I have to start again, get up and play on.

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Taking Another Road

Have you ever experienced losing friends? The kind of situation that they are present in your life, but you just can't feel them. That moment when they are slowly drifting away. It starts with them planning for something, without inviting you. Sometimes, you initiate to invite them but for oh-so-many reasons, they just can't be with you. This is the time when you will start to feel valueless, unwanted and left out. Time will come when you don't know them anymore, as they had changed. And you have changed, as well. Unfortunately, you and your friends grew out in different paths. And that my friend, is actually normal.

Could it be that you just became too sensitive or too serious with life? Or maybe you could just have different interests now. Their jokes are not your jokes anymore. Even though they are the people that you have known for the longest time and x-number-of-years, still things have changed. They were once the people that you text first whenever you want to hangout, but now seems like you don't know what to about with them. 

It's normal to grew out from your friends. It could be that the universe is telling you to be mature, to grow and go out from your safe zone. We really can't force people to stay in your life. If people want to stay, let them. If they want to go, let them. Learn to value what you have and what you will have. You just can't make everyone like you. But whatever happens, don't hate yourself just because they don't like you. Instead, appreciate your individuality. Find your tribe, they could just be out there looking for you too.

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The Last Friday of April (11:11)

It was just a typical morning. I was doing my daily routine which revolved around the laboratory and doing paper works. Just a typical day and I felt empty. Or is it just me, getting so used with living that the days that passes do not entice me anymore. Upon checking my phone, I realized its 11:11. It was serendipity and I told myself, “Today will be amazing, today will be good.” I was excited and was expecting something different to happen today. I went back to my routine and faced my computer. I was dragged by work and focused on my activities. A moment later, one of my officemates approached me and shared something about his confusion. He was torn between borrowing money to buy a new phone or settling down with a more affordable phone having lesser specifications. Should he buy the phone with higher specs and price in expense of having a larger amount of debt? He was thinking about this for three days and was really bothering him. I told him about what I think about it and at the end, he made a choice. We never really talk about anything aside from work or other little things and then here he is. I felt like my opinion was important since he was listening attentively to whatever I say. I was amazed. It felt really nice to help people in little ways.

I realized that maturity means weighing the pros and cons before deciding. Maturity means focusing on your priorities, rather than your wants. We face decisions after decisions in life. The decisions we choose depends on our own experiences and challenges. Since everyone has different battles, it is not surprising when I told you that there is no right or wrong choices. The question you need to answer is, “Are the consequences of my decisions worth it?”

Today might not be one of the best days I ever had, but I learned the value of gratefulness and the importance of looking at the different lenses of the situation. Sure as it may sound that negative thoughts may sometimes be uncontrollable, only if we give the power it. They are just like the weeds that won’t survive without the sun. Controlling our thoughts can be quite a challenge, but if we only master it, we can be the master of our fate, the master of our lives.

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Love. Is it an emotion or a state?

A bird's nest.

There are different kinds of love, but this will be all about erotic love. This kind of love is exposed and boasted in social media with the #relationshipgoals. Surely, I have seen lovers that stayed together after all these years, some started dating in high school or college. Some have gone past through the professional life and some split up after years of being together. If the number of years of being in a relationship is not the basis to a happily ever after, then what? If the mutual love may soon fade away, then what is the assurance of relationship?

This kind of love may neither build or tear you down. It's risky and it actually depends. There is no assurance in this kind of love, not in this world, not in this lifetime. It's easy to build someone and easier to break them. Some may have undergone depression, to the point of losing themselves to someone who left them shattered. It may take months, years of moving on, who knows.

Could this kind love be just a feeling, that varies often? Or is it a state, a more stable one? How can you say that you are "in love"? The word love is one of the overused English word. It's easy to commit without actually having second thoughts or self-assessment and basing the decisions purely on the current moment of being in love. Could it be that the standards of being in love is shallow to others? That actually doesn't have a deeper meaning at all? That when you feel the butterflies in your stomach, or if you think of that someone often, then its love?

Falling out of love is typical with lovers that has spent years of being together. The spark may have gone or the other person has changed or whatsoever. If then, love could be just a feeling that fade through time. But don't get me wrong, there is also a love that is everlasting. But how can you determine if the kind of love you are in the present state is worthy of marriage?

Indeed, there's a lot of unanswered questions. Love will always be one of the greatest mysteries in this world.

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High hopes

Davao scene at 6 a.m

There are things in life that you just want to move on- bad past, trauma, toxic relationship, getting stuck at something and such things. And, it is hard. Let's be real here, it takes lots of courage and effort to make a difference. We all suffer from strongholds, getting stuck at something or dealing things over and over again. At times, we just get tired of it. We get tired of facing it every day, we are just humans, we have the rights to get tired. Then, along with the journey, you lost yourself. You don't know yourself anymore because you were consumed by your experiences and distress. Sometimes you even question your journey, if an ending does even exist?

When you are fed up with the situation, all the tears has been cried and all hurt has been felt. You just don't know what to feel next. When you feel numb and tired and misery, all at once. It is like tasting every worst state of life. When that happens, when on the verge of hopelessness and knowing that the situation is overwhelming, I just let it pass through. Let it be, don't fight. This way, you experience life in all angles, in a different perspective. Always grateful.

The thought of nothing lasts forever may be associated with break up, ending, or something that is misery. On the brighter side, it also means moving on. Moving on from the past that has been holding unto you for so long. Moving on to a better life that you have always imagined yourself to be. Moving on means hope. Time will come that a period will end our troubles, Time will end every misery. Just believe that the God or universe or whatever things you believe tom will take care of you. It may take time, but it will end. Just. hold. on. Always grateful.

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Classroom to workplace

Cupcake and fusion drink during acoustic nightlife.

This topic may sound cliche, a new graduate who is now at the workplace. I used to be one of those college students who cram for homework, freak out during a surprise quiz and sometimes comes late to class. I had a love and hate relationship with my thesis which is somewhat one of the biggest hurdles I had ever encountered. My last years in the university seemed to be the longest and the hardest. Also, those were also the years where I learned about the things that are not taught in the classroom. We are not taught how to have hope when it seems like there is none, how to believe in yourself when there is no more in you that you could believe in, and how to stand up when every hard work is falling apart. I was always looking forward to the day that I will write about this article, to declare that I'm officially in the so-called real world. Woah! I've been through a lot- I've been stuck in reverse where the road to graduation seemed to be endless.

When I was in college, I always thought that this world is a trap. (It sounds weird because I'm not used to when I say was in college. Still, I can't believe that I finished college already). This studying idea is a trap and going to work is a trap. When I was almost done with my thesis and thought about my whereabouts after college, it often leaves me clueless. My perception about working is often translated to something negative. Most of my peers, when asked about their workplace, would often say "Nah", "let's not talk about it" or "it's a trap" as if it's something a burden. Instead, I took a rest for a while and prayed. There were various of offers available but most of the time, the workplace is too far. There came a moment when an offer came to me. It was none of my plans to take it, but Yes, I did took it. Everything is just great.

How is my first job experience?

Some of my friends once said to me that we'll never be happy with our first jobs (generally speaking). But I beg to disagree because as much as I am enjoying new things, I love what I'm doing right now. To give you an idea about my current job, I'm actually a research assistant at our university. I know I'm still at my comfort zone, I don't know if this is considered as 'real world' but still, I love it.

Even though I'm already "working", I still have free time. I join church events such as the acoustic night life. I'm working on my spirituality which I can't do when I was still studying because of the very hectic schedule.

3 Misconceptions about working:

It's a trap/toxic. This depends on what kind of environment you have in your workplace. You'll never know if it's for you or not unless you try.

Working is worse than schooling. For me, no. From what I had experience, my college life is stressful. I can't even remember if I ever had a decent and peaceful rest especially when I was doing my thesis. When you are studying, you have lots of free time (summer break, Christmas break, holidays and etc), but end up stressed of the assignments and homework for the next day. In my case, I leave my work at the office. When I go home, there's nothing I think about. This also depends on what kind of job you have. My schedule is eight hours a day and five times a week. I can enjoy my weekends like a normal person. Some people have only one day off per week and on shifting schedule, that will be stressful though.

The "real" world is scary. Every unknown is always scary. Unless you take a leap of faith, you will never know what is waiting on the other side.

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Life after school

Unfiltered photo of Sunset in Davao

I'm really hesitant to write something about this topic. I think it is sensitive and at the same time very personal. People might judge me for this post, but I think what matters is that I have something to impart for my readers. Beware: This is a horror/drama post.

To start of, I just finish my rough and rocky college life. It was mind blowing and life-changing. I always thought that finishing my thesis and graduating college would be the end of of my struggles. But I was wrong. Never did I know that a another storm is going to test me.

The moment when I had my manuscript bind was the happiest day in my college life. I was blissful and carefree. I was enjoying the peace of mind I never had in years. I was really excited of what the world would offer to me. I was thinking that it would be alright because I'm from a good university after all. I passed resume online and even had a chance to get interviewed. I graduated a science major course, that I thought would never be a problem. I never thought that job hunting is not an easy job. There is a minimal opportunities available and you even have to be competitive to get a minimum-pay kind of job. Then when "we" start to work, shifting schedule is normal, day off is negotiable and the amount of stress is undeniable. I was thinking did I really studied for this? I mean, it's more like a trap. I thought "real world" is "freedom". But it's more of a nightmare.

My parents were asking me about my plans, but they keep on insisting that I should work as soon as possible. Guess they really need me to help them with the finances. They told me to start working so that I can help them with the bills. I don't want to be selfish. Really, I want to help them but I'm still trying to figure out my way. I'm still looking for opportunities that will match my passion and at the same time would help me grow. Somehow, I am confused because my passion contradicts with my degree.

The society insists us, millennials, to find a job immediately and work to have money. It's like an unwritten rule that reminds us every single day. It's not wrong though but we have our own paths to take. I would prefer not compromising to whatever the society is telling. People are insisting that I'm just wasting my time, but we don't have to be so excited to move on to the next level. Everything has a right timing. 

I may still be dependent to my parents or may not be earning money as of the moment, but that doesn't mean that I am wasting my time. I am in the process of knowing myself more and enjoying the moment. I never had this much time ever since I entered the world of studying. I was astonished that we actually have all the time we wanted, and if we don't want to waste it, start spending it by doing the things you love. 

One day soon, I shall reminisce this day and never regret a single thing. All things work together for my good.

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Adrift and wandering;

I've been addicted to lamp lights lately and so I took one. (July 14, 2016)

It's been a while and it's good to be back here, my other dimension kind of world. Well, lately, I've been through a lot. I've been in a situation I never expected, a situation I didn't imagined or want to be in. I've been never so lost before. I couldn't find my direction back and don't know which way to take. I've lost so must inspiration and drive to continue what I have started. The momentum is lost and laziness has taken over. There's so much things that I'm dwelling right now. Though my friends and family pick me up from time to time, but I believe change starts within me. It's difficult to continue but it's a lot harder to start over. 

The world is so crazy and get crazier every time. I've lost myself in a bundle of idiocy. Oh, I still can't believe this is happening to me. Life has been too harsh and I can't grasp it with my being. It devours and destroys everything. But I believe that everything happens for a reason. Everything happens for the good. Whatever happens, I would and will still trust in Him. No matter I feel so resentful, I still believe that there's a greater call for where I am right now.

Readers, I'm sending you good vibes right now! No matter what your struggles, you're not alone. There's always someone out there whose struggles more than you do. I hope that thought would calm you down even a bit. Let's conquer this world!

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Hippy and Groovy.

(Pictures taken March 21, 2016)

Hippy, Happy and Groovy

by: Lysa (3/23/16)

I raise my hands and felt the breeze

While eyes were closed, I let my knees

Feel the fields of dandelion

With gazing celestial Orion

Flying and flying up above

With the massive flock of white dove

Blue and green, colors that surround

As the peeping sun was now crowned

Life as it is, and I shall flee

But if you must really know me

Groovy, as I recalled my name

Free-spirit, hippie and a dame

I suddenly missed writing poems, and here it goes! I was inspired to write this because these days, I've realized that I'm hippy (minus the flowers on my head and some addictive drug). But yeah, it feels like the society is dragging me down and killing the insides of my being. The troubles of my life as a student, is draining my energy. I don't know how to describe it in words, but what I know is that I'm making memories and I have to be strong.

How about you? How is the soul inside you?

Music of the day: The Rip by Beirut (I'm really into indie music and if you are too, you have to check this out)

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10 Days Before Christmas

It definitely is Christmas. Christmas trees are everywhere, lights, decorations, gifts and music. This is just the best time of the year! Though we don't have a white Christmas, since its tropical here and its very humid, the Christmas spirit is everywhere. The picture above was caught in the San Pedro Street of our city. Everybody seems to be having fun. People are everywhere. Children are caroling. Malls and the streets seemed to be really very busy too. The queue to the cashier is longer, bazaars and "midnight sales" are everywhere. It's really fun to visit downtown during these times. 

What makes Christmas special is that it is only celebrated once in a year. That Christmas spirit is very evident every December. Knowing that Christmas is not celebrated everyday makes it special. It's just so lovely to see smiles in people's faces. It makes me feel happy knowing that this season is something we all have in common. That despite of the differences, we have that common ground, that common denominator.

Great Giant Clock in front of the Cathedral

I admit that I used to associate Christmas with shopping and gifts. That fact makes me look forward for Christmas. I also admit that I spend more money and more time shopping and buying not so relevant things. It's just so ironic to see hungry street people everywhere, while here I am getting fatter for the season. I guess, aside from being the season of giving, it is also a season of thanksgiving. Giving thanks to Him who provided everything- the food we eat, water we drink and air we breathe. It is a time of the year where one should look back on the whole year's events. That after everything else- good and bad times- here you are standing and still breathing. That after all, you are breathing, you are still alive. And being alive means hope. A hope for your situation, a hope for something better to come.

This period is also the best since it is both the ending and the start of something new. It's an overlap. No matter what your situation is, make it festive in your own way. Start to appreciate life more, in that way you'll add more life to your days.

People are everywhere!

I'm really excited and happy. I just had a Christmas party with my fellow bloggers, meet up with my college friends and will be having a reunion with my high school buddies. I'm also expecting two family reunions from the both side of my parents. Sounds fun isn't? Too excited for it. I'm planning to be do more paintings, calligraphy lessons, guitar percussion lessons and books to read. I might be doing a book review soon.

How about you readers? How do you spend your Christmas?

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Living through Differences;

We encounter different kinds of people in our life. I do believe that everyone of us has a certain role to play in this world. We meet people of different personalities, backgrounds, beliefs and outlooks in life. With that, people whose personalities are opposites clash and it cannot be avoided. It's like positive and negative poles, they always repel each other. I try to appreciate people of different types, but most of the time, they do not return the favor. There are people who do not like me for whatever reason. I'm not perfect, nobody is. Maybe they just don't like me. It's hard to understand the list of reasons of why they don't like me. It's more complicated if I'll try to persuade them to at least appreciate me. I'm a peace lover and an idealistic one, so that fact saddens me. My thought of having a kind and loving world is just too far from reality.

As possible, I try to fix the turbulence of the situation and sometimes, it leads me to frustration. I became frustrated of trying to fix the circumstance. I think I just have to learn how to live my life with disorder. I guess it's a part of life that I'm still having troubles of adapting. It's hard to understand why people do not like for who you are. It's me. If you are bothered or annoyed with my presence, then there's nothing I can do about it. I'm just trying to be the best version of myself. If I didn't passed your standards, so be it, I have my own standards. 

I still have troubles of interacting with these kinds of people. Like, how to start a conversation without sounding awkward (though it's really awkward) and the required interaction with them. But who am I to judge? I'll still try my best to be nice to them and treat them right. I know this post is cliche but I think it's important to learn how to deal with these people. Sometimes this topic is overseen by many of us, not realizing that sometimes it's the cause of hatred and conflicts. Maybe we just need to learn how to accept people the way they are. If they hate you, accept it. It's all about the acceptance of the differences. Hard isn't? But I can't think of any easier way to live peacefully and happily. 

Anyway, I am currently reading Merchant of Venice by William Shakespeare. Will update soon! How about you readers? How do you react when you encounter people who doesn't like you?

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Conquering the Unknown

Playing with colors

It's been sometime since I wrote something to this empty space of this blog. Something has been haunting me to the bones. I've been questioning myself a number of questions after seeing some of my acquaintances graduate and taking jobs that I do not expect them for them. I was wondering what's waiting for me when I graduate. I seriously don't have plans. I don't know what to do if I graduate, but one thing for sure, I'm tired of being a student. Somehow, I'm cherishing every moment of it because this will be my last year as a "regular" student. When I say "regular", what I mean is going to classes and sitting one an hour or so while listening to the teacher. I will probably miss the looks in our face while checking the clock from time to time, too excited for the class to be finished. That moment when it's almost 15 minutes before the time, yet the class is still on the middle of the discussion. I will miss the times when I read a book rather than listening to class, that I have no idea what they were talking about. Maybe I will also miss having classmates, asking for assignments, quizzes, exams and projects. I used to have lots of readings, paper works, and other normal student is experiencing. It is just weird that this is my last semester to experience all these things. Next semester will be a semester devoted to my special project (or thesis). I will have no classes at all, purely special projects. I don't know what to expect because it seems to be unknown to me. Bit by bit, real world is taking over my life. I don't know if I should feel happy or devastated with that thought.

There will be no classmates, no homework, no projects, no exams, no quizzes and no actual classes next year. For my entire life, this is my routine then suddenly, I became a researcher. I am still a student though but being a student is incomplete without the things that were mentioned above. Maybe just know that I will miss being a student. I realized these things when I remembered my internship experience. That was mind blowing though! Anyway, everything seems to be real like I realized the responsibility I have in the company. My decisions would affect other people, at a larger scale. It's scary. I don't like responsibilities, especially if people are expecting something from you. I'm afraid to be a "grown up" and to be robot-like. Well I see them as minions of their company and bosses. I always want to live in a dream land, where everything is light and dreamy. I want to soak myself with stories on the books that lead me to somewhere magical. Am I being so immature and childish?

Almost everyone is afraid of the unknown, who doesn't? I'm afraid what's waiting on the other side. Will it be better or worse? But how to we define exactly better and worse? Does those words really exists? 

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All that exists.

This is my life lately in pictures. I feel creative for whatever reason. I feel the need to write some ideas away. It keeps on haunting me and following me wherever I go. I keep on thinking about life. Well, it is a cycle right? Humans are social beings and always has that feeling of needing for a companion. I guess finding our special someone is intertwined in our DNA. We were made that way.

For starters, passing our DNA to our children is one of the basic instincts of humanity which is needed for survival. Of course, almost everyone has that kind of mindset. This goes from generations to generations, that is why we still existed. We were born in this world and were taken care of our guardians. We grew, went to school, studied Mathematics and Science, went to prom, fell in love, met our friends, watched movies, went to office, and watched the sunset. We did so much things that made us happy, sad, excited, and disappointed and felt every emotions.

We studied so hard in order for us to have a “decent” job. We work so hard to earn money, to feed ourselves, to be able to do a lot of things like travelling and so on. But one day, when our mission has reached the end, we suddenly vanish from this world. You’ll be like a wind that whispers in the trees. Perhaps, you’ll be one of the stars shining so bright in sky. But, who knows?The fact is, you’ll just be a memory one day. You’ll just be in pictures from the old dusty album. People will soon forget about you, especially when they are busy living their lives. 

Now, do you think life is meaningless? Not in a way that it is no good. I mean what do we live and die for? Do we live for the moment and live our lives as best as it can be or do things that can affect other temporary lives too? My point is, everything is just temporary. Are we made to do temporary things? Does our existence stops there?

These things haunts me. I cant have a peace of mind right now. I can't even start my thesis because of this. Well, at least I spilled it out in a page.

Currently listening on At The Top Of This Hill by Message To Bears

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Chasing and chasing.

Random feathers to fill up this post.

There are times when you just have to give up something because it is not meant for you. No matter how hard you push yourself to it, if it's not for you, then it's not. I had this dream. I pushed myself to it, because I used to believe that if my desire for it is just too much, I can get it. I believed that if I just work hard for something, I can get. I depend so much to myself and sacrificed a lot of things just to reached that wondrous dream. I can't help it. There's a point in your life when you'll be blinded with your dreams. You will sacrifice lots of things just to achieve that dream. You traveled miles, invested sweat and blood. You have actually invested so much for it. Until that dream just flew away and you can't chaste it anymore. I got a word from the above to leave that dream because it's not for me. At first I didn't listened. I love it so much, just so much to surrender it. But then again, His ways are His ways. I'm just a human being, and I have my limits. I guess I loved my dreams so much that I forgot that there is something more for me. What I mean is that He has something more for you. And that something is greater than your dreams. For what you want is not really what you deserve, because you may deserve to have more. Then my consciousness reached me. If I had just reached that dream and flew away, I might be lost and might never find my way home again. My dreams, it has flown to a land full of uncertainties. You know, it's also good to take risks, but you must learn when to take it and when to let it go, because if you take the risks blindly, you might just lost everything that you have. You must know how to balance things because you might be end up investing to a bankrupt bank. 

I know it's confusing but don't believe so much in yourself. Believing in yourself is good, but too much is bad. It may create disappointments and frustrations in your life. Learn to be open minded. Learn to look at your left and at your right, rather than focusing too much looking forward. There could be something more in other directions than on what you are seeing right now. You might as well consider looking to other directions, because the answer could just be behind you. The thing is, letting go of something is not always bad. because once a door closes, another door opens. You can never tell, that door could be the answer to your questions.

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