THE SUNDAY CURRENTLY | VOL 05

I slept and woke up half-hearted knowing that I have to go back to reality again. Whenever I go home, my energy is so low and my being is exhausted. Ever since I started this, I wake up earlier than usual. I wake up tired and still want to sleep. I don't know why but I can't even complete 6 hours of sleep. There's nothing much of a difference in terms of hours spent in this thing called reality, but  I used to still have time before for watching movies, do some watercolor or just do something I love. The scheduling is a lot different though. Mornings are laid back and slow, while evenings are fast-paced and tiresome. I can't be productive at night because I'm weary and I'm doing household chores in the morning. I used to love evening where I can be with my creative self since nights are supposed to be calm, quiet and laid back. These are the side effects of my new reality as of now: lesser time for myself, adjusting, confusion if this is right and missing my old habits. It seems that I am getting consumed by my work day by day. My life recently is mostly centered to my work, which could be the reason why I am having these anxieties. 

Basically, what makes me happy is free time to do the things I want to do. I thought I can compromise a little bit of time by just having a day off, but I was wrong. Because of the stiff scheduling, I can't attend workshops and learn something new. I knew from the start that this will happen, but I gave a try because what if it's just my pessimistic self trying to stop me. I was also thinking that it is not practical to stop, without having any plan B. My friends say to just give it a try and chance, but is it worth it? Is it just my emotions rule over me, is it wrong? I have been in the process of being nowhere to go and I'm scared to do it all again. I have also invested some time, effort and money, should I just give it a try for few months?

I used to have anxieties back in college but it doubled up as of now. It seems like I'm not being myself. I feel unmotivated to go there, but mind you the people there are friendly. The thought of having a daily routine of work and home is distressing me. Could it be that I'm still adjusting and overthinking my situation? It could be, but overthinking or being negative is something I unconsciously do. Indeed, the greatest enemy you'll ever have is yourself. Someone told me, " Don't let yourself be overcome by your thoughts." He also told me that instead of being drown in my negativity, why not think of a solution? But I haven't found a solution yet. Maybe I'll just try to be grateful everyday and remind myself why I am here. As what I said to my last post (The Sunday Currently Vol 04), "I am here to grow, to learn and to get to know myself more". I think I always forget that line.

On the brighter side, I'm blessed to be surrounded with people who are loving and helping me in any sorts. I could be in a worse stage, but I am always inspired with  people who believes in me. What did they saw in me that I didn't saw? Why can they see potential in me while I can't? Those thoughts left me hanging for a moment. I remembered what a friend of mine once told me, "You are a smart, but it seems that you just don't trust yourself."

After all, this is a journey I must take.